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  • Writer's pictureVanessa

The Boy and his Giants; What it feels like to be wired differently in a neurotypical world

“There was one not like the others. His wires were on the outside. He could feel so many zaps from the world around him. These zaps woke the giants within, his fierce protectors. He existed in the midst of this ongoing battle.”

He has been here before. But each visit feels larger in its intensity. A small figure stands strong and armed for battle. This battle’s magnitude is overwhelming. The enemies enormous and seemingly endless. An onslaught from the outside that awakens the giants within. It is a terrifying place to be, and our hero is overcome with the need to hide… to escape from this constant engagement. He turns and runs away from it all frantically, maybe pulling in a trusted companion, maybe not. He is searching for respite, and it is difficult to see anything beyond this visceral need to escape.

He finds a hole and jumps inside, yet he still feels vulnerable. Exposed. He grasps for stuffing to fill the voids. Something dense and heavy; comforting and also giving. A sense of containment. The hole is a way to keep everything away. Keeping everything out. A way to disappear. To get away from it all. From the world that feels too much.

He covers the hole with boards, further protection from the onslaught that is this battle. He retreats back deeper and deeper down into the hole, trying to fill his soul in the same way that he filled this hole. Seeking anything that feels good and comforting enough to soothe these feelings… to fill him up from the inside. He doesn’t know how he got quite so empty. How things escalated so rapidly. The world so recently felt lighter and more spacious.

Now it is suffocating in its intensity. To retreat is an urge so strong that he seeks the solace of the hole at every turn.

How he would like to stay here. To wait it out and re-enter the world when the battle has passed. But waiting is not an option afforded him. Each morning a powerful force calls him out of the hole. He musters the strength to pull himself up and out, commanding this force as he once again faces the challenges and problems.

There are zaps on the outside awaiting him. The anticipatory dread overwhelms. Threatens to awake the giants on the inside. The world outside activates them and they come on strong and intense. They overtake him. The strong desire to avoid it all is an attempt at self-preservation. To stay out of the battle today.

He has a small but trusted team to join his force in the fight. But they are more observers. They can be with him, but they can’t do it for him.

Each time they arise, he faces the giants, reduces them in size, tests them. Testing if they still overpower him or if he has finally surpassed them in strength. If he finally takes up more space in this world than they do. If only he can create more space for himself… then he can breathe again. So this is his plight. Face the giants. Reduce them bit by bit. And test if it is finally enough.

Finally he reaches his goal – he has taken control of the giants. They are all small enough to be manageable… and he has the momentum of his success to inspire command over them. A new pathway of possibility. He has created space… for breath, for joy, for being.

In this moment all is victorious, and even fun. His team and him are able to play amongst the giants. He soothes himself with the comfort of his victory and shares it with his team. They sit in this space of peace together at last. After so much turmoil, in the midst of so many battles.

This victorious space must be preserved and held onto. A nugget of hope and possibility in a world full of battles. For as each day is ending the giants ready themselves for what is to come. Ready for the world to become intense and the onslaught begin again. At times he retreats back to the hole. At times it becomes too much again.

The fear and dismay of this recurrence are daunting. The tears of pain sting hot, turning to anger. Despair. He fights against those at his side. The blinding pain and anger know no friends and lash out, desperately seeking to push away the loneliness – all the while begging and pleading for someone to end the turmoil and suffering. For someone to help.

Fear not though… The happy ending is not in the defeat of the giants. It is not in the dulling of the wires. It is in his knowledge that he is not alone. That he can come to tolerate the excess that the world can bring. That he has ways to retreat.

It is in the knowing that his giants are a wonderful part of him, and although they are large and powerful, he is the commander of his own army. The hero of his own story.

He is not like the others. He is a gift. His wires pick up so much. They feels so  much. They give so much [insight]. They activate his inner giants, who protect so much.

He is beautiful in his intensity. In his power. And his team. We are here with him. Helping him make his hole bigger. Helping him make more holes. So that he can exist in this world with more ease.

We are helping him see his beauty, that his inner giants are not bad. They are protectors. His protectors. Fierce protectors, whom we love as well. His outside wires are not a curse. They hold the powerful gifts of perception and insight. We love the totality of this intense little being.

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